Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
