I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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