if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
