saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
