He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
