I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I am spending my child support on dildos
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
