Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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