I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
