Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
