i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
