My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
