at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
