Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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