Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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