last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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