sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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