Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I need water and some morals
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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