I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
