True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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