I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
