using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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