I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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