if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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