I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
