I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
