Acid is not a monday night drug
He passed out mid-signature
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I need mimosas to revive my soul
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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