the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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