Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
