Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
