Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
