yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
