Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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