"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
