my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
