Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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