Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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