Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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