i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
