I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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