Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
