I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
