My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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