Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
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You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
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But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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