STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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