i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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