It's like a parade of train wrecks.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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