A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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