she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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