She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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