apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
