I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
