im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
