THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
