Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
