I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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