yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
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