she looked like the before picture.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
